moaning a LOT

I just need to write this down and send it somewhere and if I email someone it feels like I'm making it their problem or asking them to fix it and I hate having that feeling so I'm writing it here.

birthday parties :-)

This weekend has been full of busy with Shorty's birthday party yesterday and then a trip out to her friends party today.  As of 1.56 pm on Wednesday Shorty is six years old, I'm wondering if she needs a change of name given she's really not short now and Tiny is going to need a promotion at some point, I'm not sure what's smaller that Tiny so I need to give the name thing some thought.

Anyway Shorty's birthday party was just family, my side of the family.  The ex's side came on Wednesday for an hour, I got that out of the way as quickly as I could and then I could get on with having fun with the kids and my family :-)

We had dinner of roast potatoes, fish fingers, vegy fingers, sausages, sprouts, carrots and sweetcorn because they are all Shorty's favourites and then they played out in the yard with the paddling pool and hose pipe.  I don't know why granddad agreed to supervise the waterfight after he got so wet during the one at Tiny's party but it seems he'll do anything to avoid the washing up and he didn't get quite so wet this time :-)

There was a treasure hunt to find party bags and at one point the kids all disappeared to play upstairs leaving the adults time for a rest and a chinwag so a very nice afternoon was had although by the time people went home at about 1030 I was pretty much ready to collapse into bed.  First guests arrived at 1, well actually first guest arrived at 1030am but without her help with the cooking and furniture moving we'd never have had any dinner so I don't count that as party time really, so it was a very long day for a someone who is now very used to being on her own with her children all day every day!

Today we went to Shorty's friends party and I felt really sorry for the guy who was there to 'entertain' the kids and for the birthday girl.  Some of the older kids really needed a good talking to about not ruining the magic at a little girls party :-(

Tiny held her own amongst the big kids and was very pleased to be allowed to go to the party even though it was a big kids party.  lets be honest most kids are big kids when you're only 2 ;-)

So Shorty is another year older and I have no idea where the time has gone but I do know that all three of us are a whole lot happier than we were when she turned five.

today has been amazing, first of many I hope :-)

We've had a stand off all week about tidying the kids bedroom, I'm finally fed up of them making a mess playing in a morning and me then spending my morning tidying up so I told them they had to do it.  Days ticked by and it wasn't done, they even tried to get the ex to do it when he was putting them to bed on Wednesday but his idea of tidy wasn't close to mine so that didn't help them much.

Last night I told them that if they wanted to go out today then when they woke up they needed to tidy up rather than make a mess, I can't say I went to bed all that hopeful but to my surprise when they woke me up this morning at about 7 they proudly declared that they'd tidied their room and to a very great level they had.  Proud mummy moment :-) 

I helped finish the tidying and took the opportunity to change the beds, they love new sheets so that was one reward for the tidying, and then we had a lovely leisurely breakfast.

Over the course of today Shorty wanted to go to visit a farm, Tiny wanted to have a picnic and I wanted to watch the cup final.  For once we achieved all three :-)

The farm was full of strange animals that you don't normally see on a farm, there were alpaca's, a tortoise, snowy owls and reindeer as well as geese, wallabies and some very angry chickens.  The highlight of Tiny's day, although not at the time it happened, was getting her bottom pecked by a chicken!! she hasn't stopped talking about it since.

There were two big play areas, one with a hamster run of tunnels and a windmill to play in and the other with swings and balance beams and a picnic area. 

By 1230 Shorty had been to see animals on the farm and Tiny had had her picnic and I was left to hope and pray they would be good to their word and let me watch the cup final.  I have to say that I didn't really hold out much hope BUT having had an early tea and having been promised supper and cartoons after the match they both sat and cuddled up to watch the match :-)

Tiny missed the goal because she fell asleep but Shorty jumped off the sofa in excitement when the ball went in. I'd been explaining to her all afternoon that Wigan really weren't going to win because Manchester City were so much higher in the league and she was overjoyed to see the little team win. I think that bodes well for a lifetime of supporting my team.

So yes today was an amazing day when all three of us got what we wanted and no one cried (except for when the chicken pecked Tiny of course) :-D

I've spent my evening writing about my life over the last few years, all the shit my husband put me through and all the things I thought were normal until I wasn't living them anymore. 

I constantly worry that anyone who knows anything of my life either thinks I'm going to fall apart any second or is only being my friend because they feel sorry for me.  These things might be true, I guess I will never know.

I was writing things down because at 730 this evening my ex told me that he was fixed and he wanted more access to the kids which leaves me only one real option and that is to let the authorities decide.  They might decide he's guilty of nothing and that my kids are safe with him and if they do I won't like it but at least it won't all be on my head any more.

So yes, I've spent my evening writing about my life, it does not make good reading but one day it will.

I think we've had a break through.

It's eight months tomorrow since I finally got rid of my husband and most things in life have become much simpler and life has been a mostly happy thing the only two black spots have been my brother and sister.

My sister suffers from the need to be the centre of attention and for everyone to feel sorry for her and therefore help her out and give her things.  I couldn't live with people feeling sorry for me all the time but it makes her happy, what really didn't make her happy was me splitting from my husband, the risk was it would take the focus off her and she wasn't having that.  A number of her problems suddenly reared their head again and were much worse than before and, of course, her ex husband was far worse than mine and she'd had it harder and blar blar blar.

Within days of my separation I was getting texts from her telling me how hard her life was and having a go at me for anything and everything I have ever 'done' to her including robbing her of her free childcare for one day, 3 years ago, because I was in hospital having a missed miscarriage dealt with and my mum travelled up to look after my daughter because I had no one else to do it.  I live 100 miles away from all my family so I don't call on them often because its not easy but I had no other choice that day.  I got messages from her every few days moaning about something and then she came to my daughters birthday party and rode roughshod over everything I had planned and did exactly what she wanted in my house and then got upset when I got annoyed about it.

I have had as little to do with her as I can without making it uncomfortable for my mum and dad since then but I've refused to put my parents in the middle of it all although my sister has moaned to them a lot about me being funny with her and my mum has tried to make ME apologise for my behaviour to make things right.  I haven't and I've been the one in the wrong all the way but I was not going to show my parents the messages I'd had, I didn't think it was fair on them to see that side of their other daughter.

My sister though was the least of my problems, My brother has been completely amazing!!

The day I told him about the separation I got a message that said 'That's a shock."  Seconds later he sent one to my ex telling him what a great guy he was and that he was shocked I'd kicked him out and could they meet for a drink sometime because he didn't want to lose contact with him.  Not really the act of a brother I wouldn't say but you know he didn't know all the facts at that point.

A few weeks later, after he'd been filled in about everything I'd been through during the marriage and the level to which things had progressed before I finally got him to leave, he sent me a number of text messages over the course of the evening telling me I deserved what I got and that I shouldn't be laying it all on my parents because I was making them ill and it was my problem not theirs.  He sent all these messages while sitting on the sofa in his house with his girlfriend while I was on my own 100 miles away from any of my family and he kept on even when I asked him to stop for that very reason. 

Not wanting to make my parents life any harder than it already was ,and because I have spent years not telling people things and its a hard habit to break, I didn't tell them about the messages and I simply avoided seeing him as much as possible.  I did invite him to the family meal at Christmas and I have paid the money I need to to go to his wedding, both of these things were done to avoid upset for my parents not because I want anything to do with him.


So all this brings me to the break through.

On Monday he text me to ask if we could meet up on Sunday so he could see the kids, no apology for what he'd said or anything just a request to meet up.  I have to go home on Sunday so I couldn't meet him and I said that as politely as possible.  Last night he text my mother, complaining I had been terse with him and asking her if he could come here to see the kids on Sunday.  My response was a simple 'Its your house its your decision'  but she pushed me on how I felt about it and would I just take the kids out before he got here and I finally broke.

I told her what he'd said to me and I gave her the messages to read and she was horrified and she seems to have finally accepted that I have the right not to put up with his behaviour towards me and that it is his place to apologise before anything will move on this.  I decided not to show her the messages from my sister because I thought she'd had enough of a shock already but she did ask if I'd had the same sort of thing from her and I said yes.

It can't be easy for my mum to know these things about her children but things are different today, she got up early with my kids so I could lie in which she hasn't done before, she hasn't mentioned my brother at all and when my sister and her kids were here earlier she left me to do my own thing without trying to make me interact with my sister.  I played with the kids and we had good fun but I wasn't forced into playing nice for the first time in AGES.

It must be horrible for my mum right now and it must be hard to know what to do about any of it but I have committed to being polite and not putting them in awkward situations in public so I'm doing all I can without letting other people take over from my ex in the walking all over me stakes.

Its a break through, hopefully its a permanent improvement.

weirdly, I'm going pink

Anyone who met me even only once would say that pink girliness is not really my thing but over the next week I am going to redecorate my bedroom and its going to be pink and black. 

I seem to remember once of a day I quite liked getting dressed up and going out and being a bit girly every now and then and I'm sort of hoping that I can reconnect with that part of myself through colour.  I don't know if it will work but I do know that the kids will love it and it will be a big change and big changes are a good thing right now I feel.

I will post pictures once its done so you can see that I'm not lying ;-)

x

I need to write this down

finally!!

Its taken month but I've finally discovered a downside to being on my own.  There is no one to rant at.

You know that thing when someone's annoyed you or something's happened that is completely unimportant in the grand scheme of things but you could just do with a little rant about it to clear it from your brain?  That's what I miss, not someone to talk to, I've not had that in years, but someone to rant at until things are cleared from my head.

Annoying gittish behaviour is so much MORE annoying when its stuck in your head and you can't get it out.


So there you go even the worst partner has their uses apparently :-)