moaning a LOT

I just need to write this down and send it somewhere and if I email someone it feels like I'm making it their problem or asking them to fix it and I hate having that feeling so I'm writing it here.

I am SO tired its unbelievable!!  I know it was my choice to get rid of the ex, my choice to report him to the police, my choice to contact social services and my choice to be pregnant but I have paid a serious price for my 'choice' to live away from my family when I got married and you'd think they could stop making me pay just for a little while.

I never expected much from them, lets be honest it was my 'choice' to live away, but if they had ever visited when he wasn't here maybe I might just have got out before he'd done so much damage to my kids.  If my mother had ever come during the school holidays, when she is off work, rather than booking every day in with looking after her other grandkids who she has before and after school every day of term maybe just maybe I'd have felt she would listen at all when I asked for help with getting out.

I'm kidding myself really because when I was pregnant with Tiny and rang her in tears because I was being sick all the time, I was in the middle of my teacher training and Shorty was ill and the ex had refused to do any of the cleaning up over night or to get up to help sort out in the morning because he had a headache, he had the day off before and after, she put the phone down on me because she had enough to deal with with my sister and husband and I didn't know how lucky I was to have someone as lovely as my husband. 

She said pretty much that again after I'd finally managed to make him leave but she did promise me that if I ever 'had' to call the police she would be there for support.  I wasn't allowed to call them because of the things he'd done to me, apparently raping me was something I should forgive him for but if he ever hurt the kids then she would accept I had to call the police.

The promise meant fuck all though because I did have to call the police to protect my kids and I haven't seen anything more of her than I ever have! 

It is now 9 weeks since the kids saw their dad, 9 weeks since I last had a few moments without them and as its the school holidays I did think she might just step up and do something but no. 

We went on holiday with them for a week a couple of weeks ago and I was promised rest and days to myself and even time for a bath but none of that happened.  I was up all but one morning trying to keep the kids quiet so my parents could sleep, they had between 2 and 5 more hours sleep than me those mornings and the one morning they got up with them I woke to my mother shouting at the kids and the kids screaming and when I went to the living room my dad had hold of the oldest trying to force her to do something, I don't know what.  I'd told them months ago that getting hold of the kids and shouting at them were things that really hadn't to happen because these are traumatised kids who need handling with care.

My mother threw her hands in the air and said 'I can't do this' and walked out and both my parents complained about my kids and their behaviour and how difficult they were and made it very clear that they are not willing to help them through the issues they have they just expect them to fall into line or they are going to make them. 

I never have any of the problems my parents have with my kids, they do as they are asked 95% of the time, they aren't robots anymore than any other kids are so we have our falling outs but I follow the advice of the experts and life is pretty good most of the time but 24 hours and day 7 days a week without any support and without another adult for conversation ever is hard work especially as Shorty is having nightmares at the minute and wakes screaming and shouting at all times of the morning.

As each day passes my relationship with my parents is becoming less and less and they are now rally just people I happen to see sometimes, this can't be good and it has me worried that I am shutting down on relationships with adults altogether but I'm not sure I can carry on much further in life needing support from them and not getting it before I stop needing it and shut the door altogether.

The football season started again last week so we'll be visiting one or two times a month so I can watch the match but I'm terrified.  I have told social workers, the police and Shorty's head teacher that these visits are good for me because there's someone else to get up with the kids so I get more sleep and it takes the pressure off a bit so I actually get some rest but I've lied to them, its the only lie I've told them but it still feels wrong to have lied to them.  I am up earlier than ever when we're there because I can't leave the kids to play in their room I need to get them away from where they could wake my parents.  I am totally on guard for dealing with issues that arise before my parents have to because I know they will only make things worse and I go out for my four hours of not being mummy time not knowing who is going to have been visiting my kids and because my mum will drop my kids like hot coals when the ones she sees every day turn up I could get back to a real mess and some very unhappy kids. its my punishment for asking for any help at all I'm sure.

I can't help feeling that somewhere in all this it must be me who is causing the problems because in their turn both my mum and dad have told me that I am the root of all the issues with their family and that the way they treat me and the way my brother and sister treat me and also the way the ex treated me are my fault.  I don't know maybe the life I have is the one I deserve and I should just get on with putting up with it!


I hope no one has wasted their lives reading this because god do I moan a lot but I just needed to get it our somewhere and send it off into the abyss so I can paint the smile back on my face, pop some caffeine into my system and go and play with the two most special people in the world.