Long time no blog

It's been ages since I felt the need to write here, to be honest it's been ages since I managed to write anything anywhere which is not a good thing but I guess times change, life moves on and eventually things reach a stable/happy point and for a few days at least the brain clears and sentenced, that actually make sense, flow for a while (maybe).

Sadly this post is not prompted by a time like that, this post is prompted by a need to straighten my head out before I totally lose my way again.

It's four years this week since I made my first successful attempt at telling someone what my husband was doing to me.

It's three years eight months since I finally managed to persuade my husband to move out of the family home and 'get some help'

It's two years 11 months since I finally managed to get help from the medical profession and advice on protecting my children.

It's two years 9 months since I plucked up the courage to call the police and reports what he'd done to me.

It's two years 5 months since children's services concluded their child protection investigations and stated that they had no concerns for the children as long as I did not allow contact with him.

It's 1 year 1 month since he secured an extensive contact order that significantly restricted the children's contact with my family and forced me to live 100 miles from my family for the next 15 years.

It's 11 months since I completed the freedom programme and, I thought, reached the point of closure on the past despite the continued contact through the children.

And it is about a year since I last suffered a night of no sleep due to nightmares, panic attacks and insomnia.

Life was pretty good until.....

About two weeks ago the school news letter announced that the foundation unit were going to be having a wedding.  The children were to vote for the bride and groom, the children were to invite their friends and plan the party for after and, on the appointed day, the children are going down to the local church, dressed in their wedding clothes, and the chosen children will be getting married before  returning to school for the party.

To say I have issues with this as a topic would be an understatement on so many levels, I raised a number of them with the teacher who told me I was being ridiculous.

Given the teachers reaction I have tried to ignore the whole thing and just let the school get on with it but then came Thursday and the thing that has prompted this rubbish to be written.

On Thursday night came homework.  'Please discuss weddings with your child'. It wasn't quite that simple an instruction but that's the gist.  On top of sending the note to the parents they also talked to the kids about asking their parents about weddings (being careful not to imply everyone should be married of course!). So since Thursday I have been quizzed repeatedly by my five year old about my wedding to her father!!



She's asked about the pretty dresses, the cake, the party, who was invited and why I don't have any pictures she can look at.  She's asked over and over again why he can't live here given that we had a wedding and she's told me that she's going to ask him for pictures of the wedding when she sees him next week.

The fact that she keeps talking about it gives a very clear indication that I haven't told her any of the stuff further up this post, that I haven't shouted at her to shut up and that I have totally covered how distressed I am by this topic of conversation which I guess is a good thing.

What is not a good thing is that I don't think I've had two hours unbroken sleep since Thursday.  I haven't had nightmares like it in ages or the sudden panic attacks at the sound of a car outside or one of the kids getting up for a wee and the whole thing is a bloody disaster!!


I know I was stupid to believe that I could recover from 10 years of Rape and abuse in such a short time, especially when he's still so in control of everything and I've not even been able to force the divorce through yet but I really do begrudge the school playing light about something as important as a wedding and leaving me in this situation with no escape from the topic for the next four weeks!!

Oh what fun playing at children getting married will be (thought no sane person ever!!)