2012

At the start of 2012 I sat down and looked at my life and made some new year's resolutions, they were based on the knowledge I had of myself at that time so they were the general things, lose weight, get a job, take the kids on an adventure, you know the kind of thing.  I am please to say I have achieved almost none of them :-)

So I can't track everyone down and send cards for Christmas and lets be honest if a card from a random person arrived at your door you'd probably be rather freaked out by it so here is the best I can do.

I hate me!

OK maybe not quite that but I hate the me I am right now.

I went to Ikea today, I'd done my research and knew what I wanted, I'd also found that they did same day or next day delivery and for a small charge would take the old stuff away to be recycled so as a girly in need of a new sofa and chairs and the old ones taking away it seemed like a really good and easy plan to go and buy them.  What I failed to take into account was the absolute panic attack that comes with trying to spend money!

I spent the first five years of my marriage desperately trying to stop the other half spending everything we had and paying off the very high debt he had and didn't tell me about until we were on honeymoon.  £20000 in debt wasn't how I'd intended to start married life but it got sorted and we paid it off before Shorty was born.

After Shorty was born and I was off with her not earning anything I wasn't allowed to spend anything, I got maternity pay but apparently that didn't count and when I went back to uni the bursary only just covered childcare, travel and books so every purchase still had to pass through his hands even down to food shopping which was done at weekend even when I was off all week when Tiny was born.

I haven't used my cash card to buy anything other than food and petrol for more than 12 months and even though I have the money sat in an account to pay for the sofa and that the old one is one of the things I really need to get rid of in order to move on from the ex I just couldn't do it. 

What a way to waste two hours of my life!!

Like I said I hate me!

we're done :-)

The end of November is finally here, when I started on the first of the month I was sure I'd never make it to here but in a strange way its been very interesting to do and I'm sure in a few months it will be very interesting to go back and look at a month in my life and the weird and strange things I wanted to write something about.

The rate we're going with the roofer I will probably be writing about him actually doing the work next November but I guess we'll see about that.

If you've read this as the month has gone on thank you for taking the time to do that,  I won't be bothering you every day from now on but I might have more interesting things to say when I do.

So bye bye November and I'll leave you with a picture of my favourite place to sit and escape from the world.

asylum

Ok so I have no real idea what to write today, I promise I'll think hard about tomorrow as the last day of the month but for today I thought I'd just post some pictures of a really beautiful place that sadly no longer exists

 

I walked miles and miles in the grounds of this beautiful building in the last few weeks of my pregnancy with Shorty and I always thought it was very sad that it was being left to fall down.

I didn't know it looked like this inside, but I wish I'd had chance to have a look before they knocked it down.

It will be replaced by 700 houses over the next few years and eventually people will forget that people use to be sent here when it was an asylum and they used to think themselves lucky.  With beautiful countryside and a view of the sea this was the place to be sent apparently.

Anyway I loved the building and the grounds but sadly progress rolls.

internet dating!

Yesterday I was discussing meeting new people, specifically new men, with a friend who suggested I join an Internet dating site.  Really it didn't seem like a good idea but I've made friends on the Internet over the last year so I thought why not give it a go.  In the last 24 hours I think I have confirmed why I thought it was a bad idea.

I've been talking to one nice guy, who wasn't put off by my kids, or me technically still being married and who told me he has kids of his own and when he sees them.  1 nice guy (maybe)

BUT I have been called 'hun' by people I don't know, one guy was oh so lovely until he told me he was looking for adult fun 'in and out of the bedroom'  and 3 people who were looking for 'no commitment because I'm married' 

Do women really respond to creeps like that? Are some women that desperate for a man in their lives that they will have anything to do with men like that?


This is the side of the Internet that my mother warned me about ;-)

I think I will be deactivating my account pretty quickly although meeting new people when you're at home all day with the kids isn't easy so maybe not.  I don't know really but it's been a weird 24 hours.



One thing to assure anyone who reads this, I will not be getting on a train and travelling a couple of hundred miles to meet someone I've never met before in an underground restaurant because obviously no sensible person would do that ;-)

(in all seriousness I really wont be doing that)

November is nearly over

thank god! so much drivel has made its way on to this blog in the last few weeks I have started to wonder if it might collapse under the nonsense.

Today has been fairly pointless and not much has got done but hey its been a day and at least the place doesn't look like this.

rain rain everywhere

including down my wall!!

So this morning I woke up, got the kids up and took Tiny to change her nappy and was confronted by a rather wet patch of wall where water was coming in around the window.  I've been intending to replace them at some point but the time is obviously now.  Being someone who like to get things done I called a company, arranged an appointment and I am now expecting two new windows to be fitted in the first week of January.  I'll have to deal with the wet patch until then but that's one job sorted in a day :-)

The money I was promised arrived today so I can get all the balls rolling now :-)

This post really does require its tag.

Christmas time is here apparently

IT'S ONLY A MONTH UNTIL CHRISTMAS MUM, WE NEED TO WRITE LETTERS!

So that's what I woke up to this morning, Shorty shouted at the top of her voice while Tiny managed 'Time a get up mammy' at almost the same volume.

She is of course right and Christmas is very much on its way so we spent the morning making cards for Santa and writing letters asking him for presents.  Six things was all they were allowed, anything else they will just have to wait and see if Santa has them left over but now I have some idea of what they'd like.

Shorty wrote every word herself while tiny drew a nice picture around what I wrote for her but we had good and rather messy fun :-)

I was made to write a list, because how would Santa know what I would like if I didn't, but apparently its not ok to put Rupert Graves on the list I have to make do with a DVD of something he's in ;-)

HAPPY ONE MONTH UNTIL CHRISTMAS EVERYONE :-)

Mistakes happen

 

 

 

 

I've got a roofer :-)

Its a miracle but somehow I got a roofer to come and look at my roof today, he took all the measurements he needed and a few photographs and now I wait for a quote which should arrive by Monday.  It turns out that I know the guy as well, I met him while I was at uni so as long as the figures come in at a level I've been told to expect by a family member in the trade, but too far away to come and do it, I'm going to sign the guy up.

Who knows when he will actually be able to do the work but its step one towards redecorating my bedroom which is my Christmas present to myself so I am a very happy lady :-)

blank page

Furniture and Paint

I'm about to do some serious work on my house, I am being provided with a sum of money to make the house my own but I'm going to have to be rather careful with it if i want to do all the things I fancy so any advice on shops doing good deals on decorating stuff or good places to buy inexpensive but lovely furniture would be gratefully received :-)

I took Tiny to Homebase today, she loves running around the place looking at all the bright colours on the shelves and the pretty wallpapers, but today she had the remit of sitting on sofas and deciding if they were comfortable.  Sadly she doesn't have the greatest idea what comfort is and everything, including the cardboard box she sat on, was declared 'ver contabl mammy' I think I might need to have a bit of a rethink about my selection methods before I actually part with any cash ;-)

I have two bedrooms, two bathrooms, a living room, kitchen and dining room to decorate and I know nothing about what looks good with what and there is no one here to tell me I've got it wrong so the place could look very interesting in a couple of months time!!

First things first though I need a roofer and apparently the north east of England is experiencing a construction boom because I can't find a roofer who can even fit in coming and quoting never mind actually doing the job!  I might buy some slates and get up there and fix it myself in the end ;-)

this is a moan, sensible people will stop reading now you have been warned

So today I've been out and about getting rained on, its been dry all the time I'm inside but somehow it rains whenever I go out.

some days are writing days :-)

For weeks now writing anything has been like pulling teeth, every word was in doubt and every sentence took a day of re writes before I was not unhappy with it, a few times I have seriously thought about giving it up for a bit and my mum suggested that that might be the way to go when I was complaining about being stressed due to two challenge deadlines that I was struggling to even think about meeting but today is one of those days that makes it all worthwhile.

I have written almost 4000 words today and I really quite like a lot of them, I've also had a number of discussions with someone who is great at making me think about my characters as real human beings and that has really clarified the way the story is going I think.

 I should probably have been playing with Tiny or doing housework but the fact that I got words on paper that made me smile today is probably good for all of us :-)

Hard to do.

This blogging everyday thing is really quite hard to do but it does make you think a bit more about what's going on in your life and that can't really be a bad thing. 

Being a blog that hardly anyone knows exists this is quite an easy place to write anything I want but it would be interesting to know if anyone at all was reading it so please feel free to say hi if you drop by, anon or not everyone welcome :-)

A Funny day

My beautiful short people stayed in bed this morning until 730, which is considered a lie in at the minute so I woke up feeling like I'd actually been to bed :-) 

Granny took them shopping with her, Its strange that going shopping is a treat when Granny takes them and the worst thing in the world when I take them but a couple of hours with no kids and no housework to do because I'm in someone else's house was a great treat.  I spent the time writing and finishing an exchange fic so panic averted for now.

Football is Saturday afternoon's entertainment although it was more annoyance than entertainment today, the match will be remembered long into the season but only because of the most incompetent ref I've ever seen.

Its been a funny day but sleep and a real rest have made it quite a smiley one.

Its Christmas, well almost :-)

The things that make it nearly Christmas are different for every one but in our family the big one has always been the arrival of the Webb Ivory order and it came today! wrapping paper and toys and sweets and all the lovely things ready for Christmas :-)

Yes I know that a few days ago I was moaning about keeping Christmas in December but I given up the fight and I'm just going to embrace it :-)

too tired, long day!

Today my soon to be ex husband finally came and removed his stuff from the house, its only taken him three and a half months to get around to it but its done now and shorty has plans for decorating and changing things and making this a nice girly household so the future is probably pink ;-)

Who stole sleep?

Ok so who stole my sleep last night because I would like it back and quickly.  I was still awake at three and saw four and even had some awareness of five before the alarm went off at seven and I got up to start a day of running around after little people.

families are funny things!

I have often wondered if those families you see on the TV who are all happy and smiling everywhere and being nice to each other ever actually exist, how could they? how could a group of what are really random people be happy and friendly all the time?

I love my kids and they love me but we fight sometimes, not badly but its not all laughs and smiles its real life.  Do TV families leave us all feeling just a bit like we got it wrong somewhere?

Seriously if you have an opinion tell me I'm interested :-)

I can't believe I actually went to 'the game is on'

lots behind here about the Q&A and fandom friends

cos I have to

Long day, mega fun, loads of lovely people. Won't be home until after midnight so this is best you get for today. :-)

My murderous intentions

So last night I really would have taken any help in finding a way to get away with murder but I've calmed down now and really just think its very sad.

Personal moaning rubbish below do not feel you have to click read more.

technical help anyone? please :-)

So this isn't what I was intending to write tonight but it is something and its another day of the month I've completed :-)

How do you put a 'read more' in a post on this thing? if I want to write a lot or give people the option not to read it once they've even found this bloody blog how do I do that?

Please please please if you read this and know the answer let me know it's driving me mad.

To praise or not to praise?

An interesting discussion last night has had me wondering how you possibly bring up children and don’t screw them up somehow. 

Too much time with mum or too little time with mum

Too much independence or too little independence

Too much education or not enough

Too much praise, praise for the wrong things, or not enough praise of any form

Not enough encouragement of interest or so much that you are a ‘helicopter’ parent

The advantage of every day

The real advantage of trying to post every day is that it makes you think about things, I've spent months trying not to think about a lot of different things so its nice, in a way, to be pushed into it. Yesterday's thought was about where I should be living and it got lost in late night football but its kind of important so I'm going to write it down now.

I need to make a home for me, Shorty and Tiny that feels safe for all of us and in which I can actually sleep and I don't think its possible to do that in this house so I need to find a way to move.  The idea of moving house always excites me but the thought of doing it just me and the kids is also quite scary.  I know that I could very easily have thought about it and than stopped thinking about it so I booked some viewings and took myself off on my lonesome to have a look at what there is around. 

I've decided that I'm going to look for something that needs work so that I have something physical to do to make it our house and that I can afford resonably easily so they won't be in the best area or the biggest places but in the end it will be ours which is the important thing.

I've often wondered what makes a house a home and hopefully I am going to find out the secret in the next few months.

football stole my evening.

Crazy day of making decisions but an evening stolen by football leaves me no time to write about it so I'll do that tomorrow. Good match, great result, long trip home now hopefully no nightmares though.

Look what I got.

My beautiful daughter bought me these today, apparently "someone should buy you flowers mummy because you like them" so she spent her money from the tooth fairy for losing her first tooth on flowers for me.  I bought her a toy and some sweets so she got a treat as well but how lucky am I to have a daughter like that?

Half term holidays are over now, school is back in the morning and I feel quite sad about it BUT it will be nice to have time to put fingers to keys in some purposeful way again not that my brain is playing fair at the minute or having any ideas but hopefully more time will give my brain a chance :-)

look a motorbike

We had a strange day today because Granny and Granddad were ill this morning meaning we had to leave many hours before we normally do, Granddad normally cooks Sunday lunch while we sit around talking and distracting him and making him late for getting it ready in time for all the other guests.  Today though we did something I have never done before and we had lunch at McDonald's, it was supposed to be a treat for Tiny and Shorty for being good but in reality it came a very poor second to being sat in the car park when this parked up beside us.

Nothing will ever beat a motorbike for interesting as far as my kids are concerned and every time they fall in love with one it brings me one step nearer to buying one, I have been looking at learning to ride and I am really considering putting it in my 2013 plan for making a bloody good single life!

As days go by and I find more and more things no one is around to tell me not to do life becomes more and more exciting.

I think I would go for black or red if I bought myself a bike but I'm not sure, I'll have to do some research.

Trains, Football and friends (day 3 I'll give up soon I'm sure)

Tiny and Shorty spent their morning with Granddad playing with the largest train set in the world at a 'come and play' exhibition, the result is I now have to find a way of setting them up a train set at home because it is apparently the most fun EVER.  I used the time they were busy to do something I have never ever done before!  I find real people really hard to talk to, once I know people its not a problem but that first meeting normally scares the life out of me but today I met someone I have never met in person before and somehow it didn't feel at all weird or at all hard.  She was really lovely and I think meeting new people might be something I try and do more often :-)

The last few days have been a check-in, check-out routine with the little people really because I was back out for the afternoon, this time off to football to see Sean Dyche take charge of his first match at the Turf, If we play like we did every match I'll be smiling by the end of the season even if we are bobbing around mid table not really achieving anything because it was great fun to see the team look like they were having fun.

A good day of fun experiences, on to tomorrow and more fun I hope. :-)

cheese muffins (look I managed two days!)

Tiny, Shorty, cousin tall and cousin short made these this morning with the help of Granny, The day got a little turned about because things weren't open when we thought they were but baking cannot be missed.

They've played games, one of which was pretending to be a flute playing, talking, singing, pram pushing dog.  Odd kids, I don't know where they get it from ;-)

Swimming is to come later once the beans on toast and cheese muffins have settled in everyone's tummies, I'm not sure wrestling is the best way to make that happen but they seem to be trying it.

Half term is over tooooooooo soon.

Trip to Oxford (i will never manage everyday and no one will see it anyway)

6am- alarm goes off, quickly thumped and covered in the hope Tiny and Shorty aren't disturbed.

7am - the wonderful woman of mystery pulls up outside my house and whisk me away.

9.30 am - quick stop for breakfast and fuel

11 am - Oxford :-)

I've never been on a tour bus before but what better way to see the delights of Oxford than under the guidance of someone or something that knows the way around.


It was freezing but then that's what you get for sitting on the open deck of a bus in November





1.30 pm Magdalen College

 I have never seen anywhere like this before and I just couldn't resist going to have a look.  The change from the hussle and bussle of the street to the peace of the college was remarkable and the whole place was beautiful.

This is a beautiful sculpture we came across in the grounds

The sun dipping towards evening and some deer who happily live in the deer park in the college.


5 pm - Back in the car and off up the motorway

9pm - pre bed kiss and cuddle with Tiny and Shorty who think they've had as good a day as I have, they are of course wrong.

xx

incompetent is the only word for it!

All the holiday plans for me and the kids had been talked about and sorted out and Shorty was expecting Tuesday morning to be her time with Mummy, Tiny goes to nursery on a Tuesday morning so it provides some very rare mummy and Shorty time when she's off school.  Sadly her Mummy is an incompetent idiot who somehow forgot it was Tuesday or more forgot that Tiny should be at nursery.  How on earth after a year and a half did I forget something that simple?

The sensible thing would have been to ring nursery and say she wasn't coming in given it was 845 when I remembered but Shorty was crying at lose her time with me and Tiny was angry about missing nursery so quickly dressed and breakfast biscuits eaten in the car and there we are at nursery.  Every member of staff we saw as we made our way through the building made some joke about us being late or forgetting to get up but the one that really did it for me today was 'Oh dear Tiny is mummy not capable of looking after you properly any more?' It was a joke and I know the woman who said it would never have meant it seriously but how to kick a girl when shes already feeling rubbish!!

We had a morning of not doing much really and Tiny had fun at nursery before I found someone who was capable of looking them properly and sent them both out for the afternoon.

A crappy day, A crappy mood and I'm being crappy to other people, yep incompetent is just about the right word for me today!

half term starts here :-)

I love the last day of term, the kids are all smiling as they leave school, the teachers are waving them off as quickly as possible and the parents are looking like they have no idea what they're going to do with them for the next 'really long time' (one week and one day actually but to some it feels like forever) Up until about two weeks ago I had no idea what to do with mine either but I think I have enough planned to keep them busy.

This weekend we're having calm and sensible, they're with their dad on Saturday so I'll spring clean the house so there's not much needs doing all week, and on Sunday we're making a cuddly cat and probably a few more things. Monday is a trip to York with daddy to see trains apparently, that is going to be a really long day for them so I'm hoping Tuesday will be a short day for the three of us but hopefully involving their wet suits, some wellies and a trip to the beach, we won't even bother with coat if its raining, we're going to get very very wet and then come home and get warm again.

Wednesday will be a picnic and feeding horses half way between my house and my mum and dads because we're going to stay with them for a few days so that on Thursday I can escape on a very rare day out without them. (I should probably not claim that is rare when I'm off to London to see Mark Gatiss and friends on the 11th but these are the only two days in forever I've treated myself to time off :-) ) Granny is baking pumpkin biscuits and making Halloween masks with them on Thursday I think, I gave up fighting the 'I hate Halloween' battle years ago and just work on the basis I don't have to get involved!

Friday, if I'm not completely exhausted from my trip I'm thinking of taking them to a wildlife park but I have no idea where it is as yet so I may just end up taking them for a trip in the car or taking them to look at one of my favourite Dive sites, not that I'll be going diving any time soon :-(

Saturday I'll escape for a trip to see the claret and blue army and Sunday will be family lunch before I drive my little family home :-)

Until last week I thought they went back to school on the Monday but luckily someone pointed out the inset day so Monday will be spent shopping and tidying up ready for a return to sensibleness on Tuesday morning, that is if you call driving 220 miles and watching a football match between school pick up Tuesday and school drop off Wednesday sensible of course.

Can you tell I'm slightly excited to have my kids off for their holidays because I really really am :-)

misty!

So I'm all for the not sleeping normallly but wow for bad dreams tonight!! I know its been a long day and it was dark and misty when I got home but where did my kids being kidnapped out of the mist while I turned around to get the other out of the car come from? Or the huge bloke who was trying to drive off in my car? Or the many many people who weren't trying to help me find the kids? I hate my brain but I was happier when it just kept me awake rather than this :-( I think the darkness of winter could take its toll on my brain if its going to scare me like this :-(

single parenting

well it took a long time for it to finally happen but as of yesterday I am separated from my husband.  I should be sad I know I should and in some ways I am. I'm sad that the children won't be able to see both their parents anytime they want to.  I'm sad that the baby L wants so desperately is never now going to come and I'm sad that somehow the world looks at couples who separate and say they have failed.

I have two beautiful daughters who would not exist had I not married their dad, how can that be failure?

Mostly I feel relieved and that makes me sad, I never got married expecting it to end I thought it would be forever and was determined to work hard to make it that way but there comes a point when you stop being who you were, when your personality has been changed beyond recognition by the actions of your partner, when you no longer recognise the person you have become and that has to be the point when you take control of your life and fight for the person you have lost.

I asked him to leave before, more than once but he agreed to go once before and then changed his mind so I never really thought that I would be in this position, still in my own home with my children and hopefully one day a friendly relationship with their dad, I half expected to have to do a midnight flit or to refuse to return from a trip to see my family.

However hard the road ahead I am sure that I have made the right decision I might need one or two people around to hold my hand and wish me luck though.

xx

from tombliboos to fairies :-)

from this

to this

then this

And finally it looks like this

Tomorrow comes Fireman Sam but for today I am quite proud of myself and very happy with the smile I got from L when she saw it :-)

I can't believe her first year is nearly over

We received shorties foundation stage school report today and I couldn't be more proud of her, not everything is perfect, I wouldn't want it to be really, but her commitment and effort are not in question at all.  I small problem with inverting numbers and a reluctance to write things down when she can say them, draw them or build something to represent them are all they have come up with and they can both be dealt with in time :-)

I can't believe how quickly she's grown up or how many things she likes to be involved with but I hope I can continue to encourage her to try new things and learn about the many things she is capable of rather than focusing on one area like I did for so many years.

Proud mummy today :-)

it never rains but OMG!!!

So this is what it looks like when it rains like it has today.  Train lines are closed, all the roads out are closed and the tunnel is full of water!!  God knows if people will ever get home tonight but I hope they all stay safe.

gender discrimination is alive and well.

Today I went for an interview at a supposedly forward thinking academy, the recent great idea of what schools should be.  I worked hard at planning a lesson to teach and to write all the documents they asked me for, I spent hours preparing and booked nursery and childcare for the small people so I could attend at eight am this morning.  I was not late and I was prepared but I really shouldn't have bothered.

A meeting with the deputy department head where she said, I thought jokingly, that they were looking to recruit more men to the department because there were always too many of the women on maternity leave, should have told me something about the place especially because the eight strong short list was seven men and me.  Twenty minutes sat in the staffroom while four men complained around me, and discussed with other candidates, the problem of women and their constant baby talk and being distracted from their work by being kicked in the ribs should also have given me a clue but who thinks that schools of all places still discriminate against women? That just isn't what you expect.

The class enjoyed my lesson, they learnt something and they interacted with me, not much more you can ask for a twenty minute lesson with children you've never met before on a topic they have never seen before.  They must have enjoyed my lesson and someone must have thought it was good because they didn't cull me at the first hurdle (maybe I was still playing token woman?)  another half hour of abuse, sorry conversation around me, by the other candidates and members of staff including 'they can't possibly give you the job  now you've sat in the pregnancy chair!' before a meeting with the mentors,  this one went really well, jaw droppingly good reports from all my previous schools had them smiling and asking me if I'd done some teaching before the course because the reports of outstanding teaching and 'what would we have done without you?' were not what they were used to seeing, at least not from the schools I had worked in.

So the final cull before interview, down to three candidates and I was still one of them, strangely I thought this was a good sign and tried to put the comments of earlier in the day out of my mind because surely they wouldn't put me through a whole day if they were just going to employ two men to even up the numbers in the department. 

Final interviews were with the chair of governors, the head, head of department and NQT tutor,  only the chair spoke and he made reference to my children and my role as a mother in every question he asked,  all seven of them including  'It must be hard when you have been just a mummy for so long but try and remember what it was like to teach a class and describe a lesson you taught'.  Oh and 'I know it must be hard to think about children who are at risk when all you can think about are your own but what would you do to help them' (I have not been out of the classroom that long and I have been keeping up to date)

I answered every question without reaching across the desk to hit him (I thought about it but it would have been very unprofessional so I didn't) and I was very polite about everything even though it was a very uncomfortable situation to be in. 

The two men got the jobs!!

I was called in for feedback and told I was to 'mummyfied' in my reaction to questions and not professional enough in my answers.  I had not mentioned my children once but the chair had mentioned them about ten times. 

I hate to think that anyone in this day and age would really make the decision on a job based on Gender but sadly I can only conclude that this school did.  What a waste of my time!!

day five Six things I wish I’d never done.

1.  Walked away from him because someone else felt safer 
2.  Told my mum I write things sometimes. 
3. Turned my back when I knew he needed me 
4.  Told my daughter I was pregnant three times when she only has one sister to play with
5.  Pretended I was thick because it made it easier to fit in with people I didn’t even like.
6. Refusing to take extenuating circumstances special consideration for exams that are still affecting my life and my ability to find work. (There were really good reasons I did not have my mind on my exams but it was hard to admit that at the time.)

Day four seven things that cross my mind often.

1.       My beautiful daughters and what life will bring for them.

2.       The future and what it may or may not bring for me.

3.       Past decisions good and bad

4.       My need for a job of some sort

5.       The health of my family and friends

6.       The point and purpose of life

7.       The date of the next football match (my three hours off from being a mum 23 times a year) :-)

day three eight ways to win my heart

Eight ways to win my heart

1.       Know the off side rule

2.       Be happy to come second to my kids

3.       Allow me to be quiet and withdrawn without holding it against me when I want to talk again.

4.       Eat the food I cook and appreciate that I’ve cooked it with love and thought.

5.       Pick things up after yourself and remember I don’t choose to be at home doing the housework

6.       Show interest in what I am doing ( even if it’s pretend.)

7.       Allow me time to work my brain once the kids are asleep

8.       Say you love me and really mean it.

day two nine things about yourself

1.       My children are my world, it was hard work having them and I thank god for them every day (even during tantrums)

2.       I often feel unsettled and restless and my mind wonders to different things, I don’t mean to me rude. (I think part of it down to the lump in my brain so I try not to worry about it.)

3.       I don’t do reasonable levels of sadness or worry, I can cope with anything and everything until suddenly I crash and burn

4.       I would love a job, I am good at teaching maths, but the public sector is not the place to be right now.

5.       Those kids I love bore me some days so I write stories about people and things that I love

6.       I’ve recently discovered a relationship with a relative I hardly knew that has made my life so much better, I worry about making sure my children don’t miss out like I did.

7.       I accept the way people treat me when I know I shouldn’t but sometimes life is easier that way.

8.       I can’t remember the last time I was truly happy with everything in my life but the moment Iona was born comes very close

9.       I make things. I build things and I write things but I am still a maths and science geek at heart!

Ten days - day one

Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.

1.       You wouldn’t believe how much better you’ve made my life since I got to know you.

2.       I’m so grateful you put yourself out for me when I don’t really deserve it

3.       Don’t grow up too quickly please you’re beautiful as you are.

4.       You bug the hell out of me but I miss you sometimes

5.       When scary things happen I try and remember you’d be there for me if you could be.

6.       I’m not sure I can get passed it but I’m trying

7.       I will love all three of you forever, look after each other.

8.       Sleep please

9.       They’re kids not toys

10.   The way you handle what life throws at you is an inspiration

we'll see how the rest go.

Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four turn-offs.
Day Eight: Three turn-ons.
Day Nine: Two images that describe your life right now, and why.
Day Ten: One confession

My headaches are over apparently

I had great news today, my brain lump (I don't like the word tumour it sounds scary and it's not like it's going to kill me so it doesn't count as a tumour really) has shrunk enough  for it to stop giving me headaches.  Obviously everyone has headaches some times so I will still get them but the twice weekly migraines should be a thing of the past for now at least.

I can't believe how many years I lived with feeling ill all the time and thought it was just how other people felt.  When someone told me they were tired I thought they meant their eyes hurt, their face was numb and their muscles ached like they had walked up Ben Nevis that morning but apparently it wasn't normal and now I am seeing the world in a totally different way and I don't get anywhere near as stressed about things because life is just so much easier.

Some days are good days and today really was a good one :-)

the words won't come

Head mashed, brain not working and thoughts all over the place.  What on earth is wrong with me?

Forming a sentence is becoming almost impossible and writing the things I like to write is far beyond me at the minute and it's beginning to worry me rather a lot.  I spent twenty nine years believing my English teachers and my parents when they said I could write for toffee and should concentrate on maths and science as they were 'my thing' but I thought I had just about kicked that thought in to touch.  This week though I'm not sure if I've not closed down to the idea again :-(

Maybe it's the heat who know I might be fine as soon as the rain comes again, which really wont be long this is England after all.


Having read this I think it actually makes sense which is a break through for the week and something I can build on I guess.  I might see if the little ones are up for telling me stories when they get home that helps sometimes as well.

sick children make me sad :-(

Four days of living with a sick child really makes you appreciate modern technology.  The three extra loads of washing would have taken forever by hand but instead I could concentrate on scrubbing the floors clean and changing the sheets on the cot as often as possible.  It's strange to say she's sick because most of the time you wouldn't know there was a problem, she's running around just like normal and making full use of her new found ability to say Mum.  I have never been issued with as many instructions in my life as I have in the last week but she looks so proud when I understand what she's asking for so it is impossible to refuse :-)

I've been trying to apply for jobs this week in between looking after the sick but somehow writing serious things is more difficult than writing fun things.  My 500 word personal statement was impossible to write so I wrote a poem instead :-)

I have a degree in accountancy

And an enhancement course in maths

A mathematics PGCE

And a commitment to educational paths

I completed my placements in schools

And worked with a variety of ages

I explored many ICT tools

And learnt a lot about curriculum stages

My lessons are always quite active

This helps to encourage engagement

I like assessment to be interactive

But bad behaviour leads to different arrangements

I value each child in my class

Their contribution is welcome and praised

I respond to each child not on mass

I believe this is how attainment is raised

I endeavour to encourage creativity

And always work hard but have fun

Pupil learning requires flexibility

But every lesson is professionally run.

I did in the end write something sensible and apply for the job not that I hold out much hope given the current public sector employment situation but it's important I apply for all I can if I'm going to sort life out in to a way I want it to be.

Strawberry Jammy Badger playing the bagpipes :-)

Will you anchor hold through the storms of life

This week I thought my life was going to change, I was sure of it but apparently I was wrong.  When life throws rubbish at you what do you do?  head down and carry on?  ignore it and hope it will go away? actively pretend that life is good?

Personally I think I probably stick my head in the sand (by which I of course mean write fiction) and hope things will go away. they don't but I can only hope ;-)

Daughter number one went back to school this week after a reasonably fun holiday, busy with making beautiful things and visits to see people.  She was very excited about it, as kids of her age tend to be, but by Thursday (or sheep day as she decided it could be called, something to do with it still being the same thing whatever we called it!!)  she didn't want to go because she was missing her sister! 

Daughter number 2 learnt to talk over Easter, she can now say 'mam', which she has refused to say for 8 months since she learnt how to say 'dad' and 'Lexie' but with it comes 'drink', 'help', 'up', 'lift', 'cuddle', 'kiss'.  It appears she's learnt to use my name just so she can ask me to do things!  A mother work and all that I guess.

Anyway maybe life will change next week or maybe it wont but I can be certain that the little ones will change so maybe I should make do with that :-)

All weathers in one day

Today I have seen snow, sleet, hailstones, rain, sun and wind and most of it just when it was needed.  Watching football in the sun on a pitch slippy with rain, snow and sleet led to a very interesting game even if it wasn't exactly a classic.  A draw wasn't a bad result and, for us really the effect is minimal at this time of the season.  Mid table obscurity is a welcome position compared to where we could have been.

The wind, luckily, had passed us by in time for the football but thanks to my wonderful Auntie (I don't think I'm supposed to call you that any more am I?  what do I call you now? Friend?) I had made use of it to see something amazing. 

It surprises me how much I like sculptures that exist for everyone to see, the angel of the north, that I pass regularly, still makes me smile everytime eventhough I'm sure I should just have got used to it by now.  The wearside Shipyard monuments are something I could explore for hours and the brick train that hides somewhere near Darlington is something I want to find again and have a really good look at.

This one though needed a perfectly windy day to make it just amazing.  It's called the Singing Ringing Tree and with the wind it does just that.  I have to admit that I wasn't really sure what I would find when I went to look and I never imagined that it would produce the sounds it did but anyone who hasn't seen it should make it part of any visit they make to East Lancashire (I know most people in the world will never visit but you should just for this)

PB.


(There are days I spend writing fiction, this is not one of them)

Easter brings chocolate.

I can't believe how much chocolate two small children can end up with when Easter arrives.

It does, of course, mean that they require help with eating it.  It's a hard task but someone has to do it ;-) 

Easter is a very funny time of year so many changes are taking place.  Easter marks the ending of the allotment winter and the start of the new growing season which means many jobs to do.  Lots of digging and preparing the earth of this years attempts to grow vegetables, fixing things that have broken over winter or that have aged past use, and starting little seeds off in the greenhouse. 

Easter isn't just about chocolate, although there is always lots of it, it is about life returning to the earth for another year and bringing joy and happiness to the world.

first week over :-(

One week into the Easter holidays and I am rather tired but couldn't be happier with the things we've done and the week we've had.  This is a picture of a painted egg, apparently it's some sort of alien, I'm guessing from a very pink planet.

We've been visting family who we see often but never for very long so it was nice for the little ones to to play with their cousins.  With having other people around to look after the little ones I was able to go and see a sculpture I wanted to see, which was even more amazing than I thought is would be.

We are now home from our visit and I think we have baking, swimming and making things with cellotape planned for this week so hopefully we will make the most of the rest of the holidays

Easter holiday fun

It strikes me that if anyone ever actually did look at this they would never let me know anyway because I declared at the very first post that noone would ever read this.  If anyone ever does read this feel free to say so ;-)

Easter holidays are in full swing, visiting grandparents so the littleones can play with their cousins is always fun but is a lot more hard work than just my own.  Glittery, sparkly, painted eggs, baking and story writing along with dancing and book reading make days fly by but bed time will be very welcome!!

Easter holidays start here

Today at 3.15 the Easter holidays started, I know lots of people who fear this moment beacuse they have to organise childcare or arrange their holidays from work.  One of the advantages of being 'between jobs' is that school holidays can be looked forward to with great expectation, plans can be made and all of it can involve the three of us.  It's a shame Daddy has to work but it's good one of us does and at least at Easter there is the lovely long weekend to share together.  I am sure that short and shorter have more ideas than I can fit into two weeks but as long as they leave me a few hours to get some writing done, and maybe a bit of reading, I won't be holding back on the fun for anyone.

Holidays are the best when you have short people to share them with :-)

to think or to care

Today someone suggested that a blog was a great place to dump the contents of your mind, how strange would that be to put all your private thoughts out in the world to be read by people you don't know.  Some thoughts are made to be shared but some really should stay inside your head or at least not be placed somewhere like this for random people to read.

My thoughts are entirely un-interesting because most of the space in my head is taken up by worrying about people I care about and looking for ways to make other people's lives better.  Life is too short to think when you can care instead.

For the love of writing

The great thing is no one has found this yet, who would really it's just a whole load of words somewhere out there on the internet among the many millions of words people write everyday.

I've had quite a lot of fun recently reading and writing bits and pieces of Fan fiction on the internet.  Having never read a book for pleasure it is strange to think how many hours, in the last four months, I have spent reading some of the most amazing writing that will never be seen in a bookshop because it exists purely for the writers pleasure.  My enjoyment of it is a long way secondary to their enjoyment in writing it.

Many words exist on the internet and many will never be seen by any other people than those who put them there but if you are lucky enough to come across the words of a writer who is writing for their our amusement you should consider yourself very lucky I know I do.

Not much to say

So really I haven't all that much to say but I have always wondered what it was like to write things down somewhere and see if anyone ever found them so that's what I'm doing.

The life of an unemployed mother of two is not the most interesting thing although my beautiful little girls make everything fun.  Cooking, cleaning, school run, application form filling, ironing and then maybe a bit of playing.  I lie I do playing well before any of the other things.

Anyway no one will ever read this I'm sure but there it is.